to stay or to go, and what to do when neither feel right.

This is my first post as a betrayed partner, just over 11 months since I found out about the affair. 11 months of living in what feels like a nightmare, like I woke up to a life that was no longer my own. Originally I was under the assumption it was an emotional affair with a coworker, but have come to find after months of trickle truth  that he was in a months long physical relationship, one that continued for several months after D-day. ​I am struggling with how to move forward and if I even want to. For my entire life and relationship with my husband what I have loved the most is how at peace I felt. The first few years of our relationship everything felt so right. I felt like he truly supported me and my life, he wanted me to pursue my life and dreams. I felt the same way for him.  There were bumps along the way, struggles between jobs and schedules and normal life things, but overall we were really happy. Above this, we actually enjoyed eachother. We loved to laugh and I felt like we were best friends who were in love. The luckiest of them all. I used to joke that I felt like I used up all my “good karma” points on finding my partner and used that to make light of things in my life that might go wrong otherwise, a failed test or missed opportunity. Like I used up all my luck in life finding my husband and the sad part is, that I truly felt that way. Things changed a bit a few years in. For life circumstances we ended up moving to a place neither of us had any community, we had kids, he continued to climb the ranks at his job and I took a step back from my career to help our family and raise our kids. Overall, I still believed TRULY that we were happy. We had VERY young kids so of course, things were challenging. We had grown distant and were both struggling individually in different capacities, but I just believed it was a stage of marriage that we would grow through and look back on one day to say “wow, I’m so glad we did that”.  I was struggling as a stay at home mom, feeling like I wanted to be back at work but not seeing how that was possible or feeling supported to make the jump back. I thought he was stressed at work from a demanding boss and schedule. Add to that 3 kids under the age of 5 and well, life was a challenge.  Then DDay happened and life as I knew it turned upside down.It was like my husband, as I knew him, died that day. Like the life I was building, the plans I was making, the future I was working so hard for all were gone in an instant. Over the next few months my wayward husband would “work” towards reconciliation that never really felt genuine or true. I would find out later, during this time he was still actively seeing his AP while telling me how he has no intention to hurt me with his actions, he loves our family and believes we can save this marriage.  I was made to feel crazy when I would tell him things felt off or different. I would email him saying I was so happy he slept in bed or was here with us. I would go above and beyond to try to reconnect. I thought he was going through a tough time as a human and as his wife and best friend, I wanted to support him.  I still believed, deep down, that this was something we would look back on and say “wow, I’m so glad we survived that”. Over the next few months, alot would happen. I would find out eventually he is still seeing her. I would leave briefly and say I am done, only to have him convince me to stay and work on it. We would go to MC and IC, he would tell me we are starting a “new marriage” and send me posts from this group about success stories. He would learn all about affair fog and trickle truth, and still withhold his own truth from me. Eventually after months, he will tell me it was just a kiss, just once. Then just sex, just once. Then just twice. Then just five times.  I will leave again, briefly, only to be too overwhelmed to move forward with the idea of a new house, divorce and the idea that my old life no longer exists. Also during this time I am seeing him right in front of me, my best friend and the love of my life, offering me everything I have ever wanted. I am watching our family celebrate holidays, go on vacations, watch movies on the couch, go out for bike rides. We would eventize every occasion (big and small), sometimes I wonder if I did this for myself knowing maybe I couldn’t hold on to these forever.  It was so painfully heartbreaking, seeing the life I have always prayed for right in front of me, while feeling the same sadness in my chest that everything is different. Missing the calm and peace that this life always brought me before. As if the life looks the same, but I get closer and I realize it’s just a hologram of a life I once knew. A few months later I will start to regain strength again. I will grow tired of explaining to my adult partner why I can’t regulate his emotions in every conversation. I will grow tired of having to lead him to every answer, in every conversation. I will grow tired of parenting him, along with my actual children. I will start to look into a physical separation and then  more truths will come out. It was an entire relationship. One that was started before I knew, while we were distant, but one he was also able to have with her while also “working on our marriage”. While he saw me cry myself to sleep, do anything possible to save us, take full accountability for the things I did in the past and completely reinvent myself to be the best version of myself. How do I reconcile the two. How do I understand that the person that I knew who loved me, who helped me heal after a car accident, who bought me flowers just because, who played with my kids, took care of our family…. is also this person. How do I ever believe that life can go back to normal. I have been here and on this thread long enough to see, it will never be the same. Even if it is repaired, there will always be this crack. How do I know if I can survive the crack? How do I know that years from now life won’t get challenging again and the same person who is claiming to love me and our family won’t again cheat. Won’t claim he didn’t even intend to hurt me or didn’t realize what it would do to our family? I think my feelings may be different if after discovery he fully came clean. He owned up to his behavior, stopped seeing her and put full effort into our repair. But he didn’t. He continued to lie. To put himself before us, his family. Doesn’t that tell me everything I need to know about his behavior?  Or can people change. Truly change that part of themselves. Not just the way the put dishes in the sink or clean up after the dog, can people change their ability to compartmentalize, resent and fully dissociate from reality? Not sure if I am asking for advice, or guidance or just a “yeah, me too”. Does anyone who stayed and worked to repair really believe, deep down, that their relationship is better? Or is that part of the script you tell yourself that allows you to tolerate the disrespect?  via /r/survivinginfidelity https://ift.tt/aPpQ0Ib