The feelings for AP and final DDay

Last night was heavy, for months I’ve had one question for WH in regards to the affair. I know what happened, but I wanted to know what he felt. what did he feel that made him pursue and move towards her. What made him keep going. Since he disclosed, whenever I would ask I would get anything from IDK to I felt nothing, I was empty, I didn’t want her she was just there… I knew in my gut I couldn’t move forward in reconciliation until he could do the work to find out what the actual feelings were. I would say “no one pursues and continues to make out with someone for 40 minutes let alone let them go down on them while feeling nothing, something was there that made you want her so badly that you completely pushed out that your wife and children were sleeping just ft away.” He would make promises he would go to therapy and find out, but alas no therapist has stuck. We are almost 3 months out from the original DDay. Yesterday I found some AI conversations, one from 2 months ago about a month after the A. It asked him to pick an option as to what he was feeling in that moment. I saw he had an answer and confronted him. It was clear he knew what he felt all along. He played dumb, he kept saying he didn’t feel anything, he doesn’t even remember using AI for that, that he had discussed with me his ai conversations (funny he never showed me this one). I told him to look me in my eyes and say that you felt absolutely nothing towards her. He did, he looked and me and promised me he felt absolutely nothing that he will work on finding out. Hours later, that night he finally laid it all out. How he’s done nothing but protect himself our whole marriage, how he’s lied to me and himself. how he had contempt for me despite acting like a loving husband, how while I was breastfeeding and caring for twins on my own, he kept thinking how I was the one keeping him from what he deserved, to be desired. Never showing up for me. how I was stopping him from doing what he wanted and he came up with every reason as to why I was the problem. That led to him admitting he did have feelings that night. AP made him feel alive, validated, desired. He kept pursuing her in conversation to keep the feelings going, that he wanted her and once she made it clear she did too he took what he wanted. he liked it, that’s why he kissed her for so long, she made him feel good. He didn’t want to stop so he didn’t. he didn’t stop until he looked to the door where we were and was scared of being caught. He said even when he stopped it was about him, not us.I feel sick. he kept telling me he felt nothing towards her, it was numb and empty. He never wanted her. I believed him but knew it didn’t feel right, who keeps kissing someone and escalating to sexual acts if they didn’t like it, want it, if they felt nothing? It’s just been lying to me to protect himself for 3 months, torturing me and trying to act like I’m all he wants and all he ever wanted. After almost 3 months of trying R, I feel so done. I made him sleep on the couch. I’m numb, I don’t want to be near him. I don’t want him to touch me or kiss me. He got what he wanted from her he doesn’t need me anymore. I know it isn’t the same because “there was real meaning behind what we have” but it doesn’t feel like it. it feels like he was always just thinking about himself and I was just the stable strong one, the one pouring herself into protecting and showing up for her family. I was the attractive, fun, giving, loyal, smart, hardworking, loving mother of his kids. He had it all and he spent years wearing me down until he put the final nail in. NOW he wants to be the man I deserved? Now he sees how valuable I am? Now he wants to think about me and make me the focus of everything after he got everything wanted and was self absorbed for YEARS. The mask completely fell off the night he finally cheated on me. via /r/survivinginfidelity https://ift.tt/Hp5FaXJ